


so glad i'm an island.

by projectfreelancer



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Mental Instability, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 13:02:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10764810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/projectfreelancer/pseuds/projectfreelancer
Summary: a character study of asuka & her mental health.





	so glad i'm an island.

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING for: suicide idealization, implication of asuka wanting kaji
> 
> this is just a vent fic because i relate a lot to asuka & i love her

You make claims, hiding them in your teeth, saying snakelike things: _I hate them; I hate my mother; I hate my father; I hate Misato; I hate Shinji; I hate Rei; I hate—_

_Everyone._

You hate everyone, and you leave out the truths, the tiny secrets that slice your mind in half: _I deserve their hate; I’m the worst type of person; I’m disgusting; I’m useless; I’d be better off dead; I hate myself—_

_Most of all._

Out of them all, the one that makes your skin crawl like the devil itches to break free, the one you see behind broken shards in the mirror, the one who pulls the glass loose from the knuckles of your skin is you. Your pathetic body, your slimy soul, your dead-beating heart.

You’re fourteen and you consider never turning fifteen. You consider: letting the angels that haunt you choke you out; falling-free from a high bridge; swallowing pills unlike the way you cannot swallow your killer-sharp pride.

Instead, you do nothing. It’s cowardly, or perhaps brave, the two titles mixing together in your mind. In the end, you are nothing like your mother and will not become a doll hanging from a noose for her dead-false approval.

Instead. Instead, you will prove them all wrong. Shinji is not the chosen one. He is not the prodigal son nor a prized prodigy. He is pathetic, and you are—

You will be the best of them all.

You will achieve everything you have ever dreamed of and more, and you will do it with a false-bright smile painted on your face. They will adorn you with medals, with love, with their gratitude and respect. Perhaps Misato will cheer for you or Kaji will call you beautiful and unbutton your shirt and—

You will finally have all of their attention, praise, glory. It will seep into your veins and save your dying, disfigured soul. Because if you are not the best, you are—

Nothing.


End file.
